I never thought me sharing my love for justin bieber’s music on fb would cause so much heat. Maybe it is better to share my fan girl love on tumblr…people are way more understanding. Like i honestly didnt think ppl would care but no these are dudes that just wanna annoy me and get my attention. Its funny how all i said was his music is inspiring & that he has a genuine heart. Its like why cant ppl appreciate people interests, but no they gotta bash the artist. And just because hes Justin bieber. Its so strange how guys can feel so offended by him. Hes out there doing what he loves, followed his dreams, touching lives with his amazing vocals & talent. I think his story is what makes him so amazing. After all the hate he still stays humble. Like after i saw that oprah interview i just feel for the boy. he does open up & lets his fans know how hes feeling. I dont feel like im a super fan girl but i still am quite a fan girl. Nothing wrong with that right? But when i really like an artist i really do feel a connection with their music. im like a supporter for life. :)
back from post limit :)
ah i really am grateful for the little feedback i got from my personal post last night. I was really kinda skeptical posting more personal stuff..but now i feel more comfortable about doing more personal writing. I don’t know it feels like a good outlet for me, kind of therapeutic just to let things out. I do feel like i keep things in alot of the time. :p
omg i didnt realize how long my last post was…this is what happens when you’re feeling inspired. i feel like i can write a novel. but idk if i make sense thats why i use tumblr as my diary blog :)
Let me take you back to my teenage self.My late teen years ,I was seventeen.I was so desperate to be in love.All I wanted was someone to love. Perhaps I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I have always been grounded with humble christian parents. I have always been brought up to wait for the right man. Save myself for the man of my dreams. But i wasn’t content with just waiting. I wanted love so bad and I wanted it now. I wanted that young love that you see in tv shows and movies. I was going through some changes my late teen years. I didn’t understand it. It was like I was a little girl in a womans body…literally. Although i am very petite, I am also quite curvy. Well lets just say my body started to shape into a little woman’s body. I never focused on my body before..always been a bit insecure about it. This was the start when my looks started to define me. I had womanly features. A little bit before I started to discover these changes I did fancy a boy. I liked him longer than I liked any other boy. And I often started to question myself why i still fancy him. He was different, mysterious, smart, & funny. And he also was a boy in a man’s body. I do believe that is where we made a connection. Each day would pass, & i would like him more & more. It wasn’t til my late teens that I realized I was hopelessly in love with him. We dated prior to the moment realizing that I loved him. And it was wonderful but we couldn’t properly keep the relationship. We stayed friends though, because we actually had a bond. I can tell you, we talked everyday, to be exact every night…he would call me. It wasn’t me who called it was always him. It was always him to take the initiative. Some nights it would get weird though. It was almost like he could hear my heart pounding through my chest. But there was still a uncertainty about his feeling towards me. He wanted to confuse me. This boy in a man’s body was playing mind games with me & my heart. Because when boys know you’re in love with them, it sends them signals to be cold and dirty to you. Thats exactly what happened. You could say I saw it coming. But I was deeply in love that I couldn’t see him hurting me in his character. And he did it because he could. Desperate times comes for desperate measures. One night he planned to humiliated me and embarrass me. I was hopelessly in love so that meant I would do anything to make him happy. Even if it didn’t feel right, and in my conscious I knew I shouldnt. But I did and I made myself look so naive, and a fool for him. It was all part of the final game. And to him he won. For a boy to completely break a girls heart is winning in their book. It was almost like he was trying to prove something & he used me as a victim. Although its been quite some years since this experience I will never forget it. Because to me, he was my first love…i’m not sure if I could call him my true love but that was my first encountered ever truly loving someone so much. He was literally my young love fairytale. And i feel like i sound so lame saying that. But in all honestly thats how i felt. And nobody else understood it. I’d like to think he did, but sometimes I wonder maybe he didn’t. He was quite boyish and had some growing up to do. Thats how I walked away and took it. But at that very moment realizing there were so many emotions bursting out of me. I didn’t know what to do or how to move on from it. He was literally my favorite person. And I had no choice to let my favorite person go. And I didnt want to think about him or hear about him ever again. I would say that in such a dramatic way. But it was so frustrating. I wanted to get over him & i wanted to be over him fast. I carried my feelings & desires in the arms of another man. A guy that would convince me that he would carry me from this heartbroken girl, and give me everything I ever wanted in a boyfriend. In my head this is what I wanted, but deep down he was not what I wanted. I wasn’t attracted to this new guy. I was more drawn to his broken promises, that I later realized destroyed my life. For the very first time in my life I wanted to be bad. I threw away everything that I was brought up. Just to feel some soft of self worth and desire from a man. And yes, he would feed me with nice words that I wanted to hear. But it was all fake. He would tell me he loved & i would feel nothing. But i would try to feel something. I would get in my hopeless romantic mode, & well act as if I were in love with him. But in reality there was nothing appealing about him at all. I went through that fiasco with him for two years, til woke up and became a woman & said enough to pretending. I was pretending to be this perfect ideal girlfriend. I was more fond to the idea of being someones girlfriend. I just wanted to feel worthy & loved. And I thought I would be satisfied being someones girlfriend.But in the end I felt nothing but someones little doll to control and manipulate. Because when I started the relationship with him I was still a young girl. Not a woman yet. Because a woman would never let a man treat her the way he did towards me. All the warning signs were there but i was so blinded with the idea of love. I convinced this was it. It couldnt get better than this. Nobody will ever want me as much as him. In reality, he too didnt like me for who i am. He sure liked the idea of me. He wanted to see just how long I could be trapped into his world. His selfishness, he wanted to be the center of my attention. Everyone and everything didn’t matter but him. And when I didnt keep him entertained or happy he would burst. He would also blame me for his jealous issues, and still claim he loved me. That wasn’t love at all & i knew it. I knew it but I was still insecure to get out, because by that time he was all that I’ve known. Me being single wasn’t an option because I just didn’t want to be alone. But when I realized my self worth and belonging to the world, that is when I was able to breakaway from this man. And I was okay with being alone. Because being alone feels so much better than being with the wrong guy, who treats you nothing but crap. It has been a good two years without this man, & I am still standing here a single woman. But I am inspired to fall in love in God’s perfect timing. I do not ever wanna focus on things that make a man happy. It has left me a dark patch in my life. And sometimes I feel like Im making the same mistakes. But dont ever give up on yourself. People dont control your life. I am still going through this journey we call life. I have been a man pleaser but it left me nothing but feeling dirty and also depressed. Guys like to act like its acquired for me to meet their needs. I have been a guys past time, or they go to me for some sort of entertainment. I have been there. And its so sickening. I am actually embarrassed some of the thing I’ve done to keep a man on his toes. But breaking away from a girl to a woman means not taking crap from guys.
wooohooo i have reached 900 followers…to me that is amazing :)x
thanks to everyone who recently followed me :)xx